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Journal-7 Mentally exhausted

Date: 09.01.2021

Day: Saturday

” Sigh. That’s the first time I’ve ever started with a sigh. Cause that’s how I feel right now. This is where I am mentally. Emotionally drained, I guess. Let me cut it to the chase. I have lost all my enthusiasm in life now. Nothing inspires me anymore. I lost the fire which ignited me to score good grades and keep up with my college work. Now, the only college related work I do is write assignments. And by “writing” them, I mean copying exactly what’s given in a stupid website while listening to some music or an Emma Chamberlain pod. I don’t even read the whole thing what’s written on site. Ugh. How did I become this way? Also, there is a slight dip in my grades. And you know what’s even worse? I couldn’t care less about it. Earlier, I used to feel bad when I lose a mark or two or when I see that my position has dropped a bit. And now, I am so chill. I lack the slightest motivation to get my mind worry about the lost marks. Another recurring thought that I’ve been having lately is that I’ve been so grades-centered all my life. Because that’s how I was raised. I was taught to judge people by the grades they score. Good grades=good people. Low grades=losers. They were right in some way. But this doesn’t apply to everyone. And thanks to them, that’s how I see myself now. I look in the mirror and sight a pathetic loser even though I still manage to get decent scores. So, a part of me has got me into thinking… why not shift a bit of my focus from studies to something productive or creative in me that I haven’t tapped into yet. Moreover, all these years my sole focus was on school and studies. I literally had zero social life those days. And what was the outcome? It turned me into an obnoxious unhealthy, anti-social who thinks life revolves around grades and tests and there is nothing beyond it. So, this year, I have decided to change that mind-set of mine.  I may not top the class but I will discover other paths of life. I will prioritize my health to my studies. I will learn to be more social and how to dress well and be presentable, rather than always sticking my nose into textbooks. On the contrary, there is also a part of me which thinks that all this new theory about stressing less on studies and more on other social activities is cause I dally a bit extra to study now and I’m just finding excuses to get further away from my books. Makes sense? Totally does. So, in conclusion, I would like to point out that, I have arrived at a crossroad. At least I got rid of FOMO now, lol. That’s a relief. Phew.”

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