Journal-27 Uh, jealous? Maybe.

Date: 27.06.2021

Day: Sunday

” You know it’s true when they say that history repeats and the whole life is a cycle. Honestly, why tf does this keep happening to me? Me being the biggest paranoid, well aware that the dude’s a fucking player and I actually thought we had some “spark” between us. UUGGHHHHH!!!! Well, I popped in here to tell that I really believed I had a “thing” with this dude. But turns out, he’s always concerned about my bestie. This isn’t the first time though. Months back, this dude used to call and text me only because he was so agitated about my friend. Like I was the only means for him to get to my friend. And what’s funny is it didn’t matter to me those days. I didn’t feel any sort of jealousy back then because I knew (and I still know) he’s a player. But the last few months of constant texting and calls and flirting actually got me into thinking that we might be a thing. My dumb ass brain despite knowing that he’s a player, actually believed all this. I kept telling myself “he’s nothing but a player. He just isn’t worth my time.” But nope, stupid brain of mine went the other way. Especially when things started getting intense between us and he saying that we had a “fling”, my fucking brain was convinced that this would actually lead somewhere. And yesterday, he brought up his “concerns” about my friend again. But this time, it bothered me deep. Okay, I’m not gonna lie to myself but yes, I am jealous. Why? Is it because he’s more into my friend and using me as a pawn just to get to her? Why do I feel like I’ve lost someone who was never mine in the first place? I know and I trust the fact that this is Universe’s way of telling me that I deserve much more. I trust the timing. Better things and people are in my life and I am grateful for them. I have priorities in life. I have important stuffs to get done in my life. I just have to ignore the negativity and toxic people around me. And maybe, I should listen to myself more often now. Wow, I feel better already. I am so in love with writing. It’s like self-therapy. And yeah, of course, Emma Chamberlain’s influence. She’s the only person whom I can relate to. She is such a self-esteem booster. See, I’ve got many things in life to be grateful for. I gotta stop emphasizing on the negative parts of my life. Alright, I came in between writing my assignment. Gotta bounce back to it. Love y’all, and thank you so much :)”

P.S. I just realized this is the first time I acknowledged my feeling of jealousy. I’ve never talked about it before in my life.

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