Journal-30 Should I text him or not?

Date: 15.07.2021

Day: Thursday

“Ookay, it has indeed been a weird day. Since yesterday, I haven’t been feeling my best. I know, y’all are tired of hearing this. But this is what you signed up for. Okay, moving on. I think I’ll go into the details, maybe. Cause, why not? So, since the past couple of days I’ve been tired of talking to my friend on a daily basis. And this bothered me for some reason. Conversations with him were neither productive nor did they give out positive energy. So I started ignoring him for a while. Well, not exactly ignoring. I started responding to his texts late, I purposefully sent him dull texts, and yeah, sometimes I even put him on read. I hoped that he would get the message that I am not interested in talking to him or continuing whatever we had going on. I guess he picked up the cue yesterday when he learned that I wasn’t into him as he thought I was. That did the trick. He did stop texting me for a while. Boy, was I relieved? In a way, yes. But, did that make me happy? Not really. So today I checked my phone to see if there was something from him. No texts. Okay, I guess that solved my problem. But I couldn’t stop thinking about texting him. The whole fucking day I kept thinking about various excuses that I could use to start a conversation with him. I thought, “What if I played the role of a victim and tell him I was mentally fucked up last night and hence the ‘dull texts’? Or I could pretend to accidently sent him a wrong text which would catch his attention? Or maybe I could just ask him something in general?” This is how my thought processing was going on the entire day. But a part of my brain suggested to ignore him and said,” He is definitely not worth your time. It’s good that he’s ghosting you now. Maybe you need to set your priorities straight now. Focus on things that actually matter.” See, I was so double minded the whole time. I kept suppressing these different thoughts and tried my best to focus on things around me. I was like, “Maybe this is the end of our friendship. It must be a good sign.” I tried hard not to text him. Also, I didn’t find him online much. Well, guess what I did? After dinner, I took a deep breath, prepared for whatever tf was gonna happen and I just texted him. I told him the truth. No more playing games with him. I told him how much I had missed him the whole day. I didn’t care how he took it. Luckily, it went well. He apparently understood my situation and talked to me like a friend. It felt really good to tell him how I actually felt about him; rather than just bluffing with some stupid tell tales. You know, this is second time I opened up to him (and I’ve already mentioned the first incident here). It definitely made me feel good. He took it in the right sense and talked me out of my overthinking cycle. I really thought I’d regret telling him about it, but heck no. I am so beyond glad that I could finally get it off my chest. And that too to a real person; and not just to my journal (no offence, my journal. You’ll always be there to know my pent-up emotions.) Wait, did I just apologize to my journal? Wow, okay. Anyway, now I feel really good after talking to him. Maybe I did miss him for real. Either way, it doesn’t matter now cause it’s all good now. What’s happened has happened. Now, I’m thinking about what my situation would have been if I hadn’t had the audacity to text him first. I would still be living in that overthinking paradigm, in the fear of doubt. Trust your instincts, y’all. Really. Just go with it. It can do wonders that beyond what you can think of. Trust your gut cause it’s the Universe’s way of telling us to do what is right. I trusted it and now I’m released from that ceaseless overthinking and doubting the unknown. So that’s the message for today. Now I can go to bed peacefully. Sigh. Good night, y’all :)”

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