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Journal-32 Not enough followers

Date: 25.07.2021

Day: Sunday

“Yes, I’m back the very next day right after being grateful for my new IG account. Well, y’all must have got the hint that I am pretty livid now. Hell yeah I’m fucking mad right now. Ughhh!!!!! I need to, I have to get it out of my chest. So, I’m gonna be brutally honest now. Oh my God! I am so fuckingggg raged right nooooow!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! This is whole IG world had already started ruining my life. I am so disappointed and mad at myself. Like I knew all this shit was gonna happen. I knew it for a fact that my paranoia and overthinking issues are just gonna worsen the IG experience. Wtf is wrong with me? Sigh. Breathe in, and…out. Okay, lemme tell you what exactly is the issue here. I want more followers. Yes, this is the mess that’s been eating me alive. I want more. At least a 100, you know somewhere between 100 and 200. Okay? So I keep sending requests to people from my college and schools. And guess what? They accept the request and don’t follow me back. Like bitch?! Why the f-k would I wanna follow your dumbass boring page? I need y’all to follow me! If you follow me, I’ll follow you. Period. It works both ways. This ain’t a one way job. Damn it! And now my following is increasing, and my followers remain the same. Bruh?! Ugh. And also, I text people who follow me back. And we text for a day or two and they just put me on read. Like dude I tryna start a conversation or I’m tryna rekindle our past. Ughhhh!!!! Can I cry? I wish I could cry here. I knew this would happen to me. Help me from this! 😦 I guess I’m sadder than raged. My life way peaceful when I just had that one friend I used to text every day. Life was really peaceful before IG. I feel like I lost myself. I know I spend a lot of time overthinking about all this. And I also know that no one gives a damn about how many followers I have. Then why do I care about all this? Seriously, what’s wrong with my brain? Like I know It’s completely pointless and unhealthy to obsess over virtual gains, yet my mind chooses to fall into the trap. Y’all feel me? Or am I making absolutely no sense at all here?

You know, the spiritual part of me says that in order to have more followers, I have to trust the timing and also, I should be grateful for all the ones I have now. I should shift my focus from what I don’t have to what I have. And I should express gratitude for the things that I am bound to receive. And this is something that I’ve been reading lately. Maybe the Universe is putting me to a test. A test to check my gratitude-giving skills. Maybe this is a launching pad to my next level of spirituality. I must be patient with life. I am grateful for all the things and people I have. You know, last night I had just 87 followers and now, after 24 hours, I have 98 followers. I got 11 followers in a day. What more can I literally ask for? I asked for followers, and I received. Yet I wasn’t satisfied with what was given to me. I kept finding reasons to be grumpy. Where in reality, I am receiving everything I had asked for. Wow, this writing was indeed an eye-opener. Like I feel much better now. I started this off feeling furious af and now talking about spirituality has restored my inner peace. I feel connected to myself again. Well, my plan for tonight is to maybe write some assignments, read my book and go to sleep. Yeah, no phone for the rest of the night. Maybe no phone till I regain my mental stability. Like who’s even gonna care if I disappear off from this planet? *Scoffs* mfs. Yes, I apologize for talking negative to myself. Rule 1 of spirituality- never trash talk to yourself. Period. Well, I think I’ve vented enough today. I might just go to bed now. Or not. At least I’m not going back to phone, that’s for sure. Anyway, good night. I know I’m gonna get back to being stable soon (mentally stable, I mean). It’s just a phase. Recurring stupid phase. But just a phase. It can only harm me if I focus on it. So imma just ignore it and go to sleep. BFN. Love you <3″

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