Journal-51 Nostalgia hits me

Date: 13.12.2021

Day: Monday

“Wow, first one of Christmas month. Okay, lol that’s not what I came to talk about. I wanna spill my emotions today. Just ramble on whatever’s been eating me inside. So just bear with me here, like y’all always do lol. Let me paint you a picture of a recent incident that provoked me to write this. So I just got home, I mean it’s been a few hours. We had gone to this internship office here in Trivandrum, India today to hand over our internship application form. So on our way there, we walked through the streets lined by those vintage red university buildings, those street vendors, library, you know. It kinda triggered some inner dormant nostalgia in me that I was unaware of all this while. I even told my friend about how I used to visit these places during my summer vacation in school back in Bahrain. Then I forgot about all this, until I got back home, lying on bed, just contemplating about my day. That’s when I started rewinding to my old life when “India” was just a vacation spot. Two weeks of spending time with grandparents and poof, we flew back to Bahrain. This was my life as a kid. Now, sigh, now “India” is a life. It’s a mode of living, I guess. It’s my fucking reality. I miss life when India was just temporary place to visit. No strings attached, like everyone around were complete strangers and I didn’t have to interact with any one. Indeed a blissful phase. Not the traveling part though. The fact that I had hope of returning back to Bahrain in a week or two, every time we vacationed here…that feeling of hope of going back home soon is lost now. I lack hope of return. I feel stuck here, incapable of progress, incapable of being myself. And as I write this, god am I bawling my eyes out. Lol I’m tearing up rn, choked up a bit. Sorry for getting emo. It’s just that up until now, I didn’t know that I wanted to go back to Bahrain so bad. Like I really do, but I’ve never acknowledged it. I’ve tried to suppress my emotions by sprinkling with temporary happiness and people joking around and hanging out. Don’t get me wrong. My friends here absolutely amazing people to have. But I never really paid any attention to what I was feeling deep within. I never really bothered to ask myself if I was actually happy living here in India…or was I just pretending to be? It’s been three years since I’ve got into college, that is three years since I’ve left Bahrain. And not even a single moment in these three years have I acknowledged my feeling of homesick and missing Bahrain. Well, if you look at it, I’ve got more freedom here. Like I can hang out with people, eat outside, drive, you know the drill. There, I ain’t got much to do cause I’m with my homies. Yet, I resonate more…the life there perfectly resonates with me. It’s my vibe. It’s the energy around. Even the strangers there feel home-like to me. And contrastingly, sometimes the friends or classmates here feel like complete strangers to me. Sigh. But if I had to pick out the pros of living here, well, living in India did make me quite independent. As an only child, being overprotected constantly under shadows of parents and as someone who wasn’t aware of dealing with outside world, I have made quite a progress in that. Also, I learned how to handle money, how to talk to people, and yeah I am no longer that shy kid. Guess not everything’s bad. Living here does have some benefits ngl. And damn, pointing out the positives of something that’s bothering you, really does elevate your mood. So yeah, a pro tip for y’all- if there something that is being a pain in the ass, flip the switch and list out the positives. And by listing out, I mean actually write it down or type. It makes a huge difference on how you perceive and approach the issue. It no longer appears like a problem. Rather it helps you to see why it happened to you, and how it has helped you in life. It works well it just did for me. Okay this was one of the many things I wanted to talk today. Moving on…

So for the past couple of days, I’ve had this extremely obnoxious addiction to my phone. Texting people, being an attention seeker and just scrolling and swiping. I don’t even pay attention to my reality. Like at this point I don’t even fucking know who I am living with. And that’s so unhealthy. I can’t focus on studies, on myself, and on anything in general. I was even texting Mr. AJ one night around 2:30 am until 4:00am. I knooow, till 4am? My eyes were totally falling apart that day. Idk why but it gave me a false feeling that it was cool to text people at odd hours. Like I felt that sleeping at night is for losers, and I ain’t one. Ugh bitch who gives a fuck what you do at night? If something fucks up your mental health, just quit doing it. Don’t try to justify that. Just stop. Do things that make you connect with yourself. Don’t lose yourself in the process of chasing temporary satisfactions. Earlier, it was my addiction to binge eating. Now that mom’s out of town, I have brought that under control. It’s my phone now. I knew I wasn’t feeling it yet I couldn’t bring myself to write or spill out my emotions. I feel relieved now, talking here. Lol I think I rambled a bit much today, well anyway it’s not a bother cause that’s what diaries are for, ain’t it? ;)”

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