Journal-52 Why is my ex still in my mind?

Date: 20.12.2021

Day: Monday

” Kinda feel like it’s time to end it all. Just need some quality time to myself now. No humans around. Just me.

Today, I was in the backseat of my car when it occurred to me: though I am low-key in a relationship now, I don’t actually love the person I am dating, you know. It’s just the idea of having a “boyfriend” that interests me. It’s not about the person. I realized this because I never felt jealous of him. I never actually think about him when he isn’t around and most importantly, I don’t feel guilty flirting with other guys. This dude’s just another guy in my life, you know. Y’all I’m gonna be blatantly honest here. Just gonna pour out all my thoughts. So yeah, I really don’t get the feeling of “love” here. Why is that now? Like I used to be the person who gets head over heels over guys who flirt with me over text. I used to think and daydream about them the whole damn day. And now that I actually have a tangible boyfriend with me, I honestly couldn’t care less about him. Like yeah, I really don’t care about him. So it clicked me, maybe I’ve outgrown the whole cheesy feeling of being in love. I must be numb to love now. Matured mind set, probably. And that’s when Mr. N just reminisced into my thoughts. My ex. My first ever bf. The songs I used to listen to while we were a thing still reminds me of him. The mere thought of him, our texts, silly talks, bantering moments…reminded me how it was to be in love. And boy I proved myself wrong when I had said I was numb towards love. Turns out, it was the person who I was with that failed to trigger the love emotion in me. It’s weird though. I still feel like I am in love with Mr. N. It’s been almost two years since we last talked. But feels like yesterday. Do I miss him af but not acknowledging it? Maybe. Probably yeah. And also, every time I start getting close with a guy, more in a romantic sense, it hits me why he was the perfect person for me. Every poetry of love I write, it has always been about him. I subconsciously still write and spill over my feelings for him through my words. Sigh, I remember I began this year with two things on mind. More like two main resolutions for the year: 1. To get an actual bf and, 2. To completely get over Mr. N and move on. Get a fucking closure. Got the first one though. I kinda succeeded the second one for more than half the year. But today, I couldn’t help but just think about our days together. I did scale down the amount of times I used to stalk him. Lol yes, I admit I am guilty of stalking my ex over social media. I did actually forget about him though for the major part of the year ngl. I kept my mind occupied with other people, so yeah he was pretty much off my mind basically the whole year. But now, contemplating on my present situation, I just want those days back. Have I got a closure from that relationship? Yes indeed. But has my heart moved on, though I have started seeing other people? Not quite. And with Mr. N, I was a different person. Like I actually cared for him. Lol me? Care for someone? That’s unusual. But that’s what he did to me. Even I got close with Mr. AJ, all I could think about were the days of my first relationship. Though it was short lived, just a 3 month thing, it had a life-long impact on me. I really don’t think I’d find anyone as him. Well, the truth is I don’t wanna find someone like him. I want him. Point blank period. I still have that hope in me…one day we are crossing paths again. I can feel it. Wow, I have never talked about this ever anywhere. This is the first time I’m actually opening up about this in two years. Kinda felt like I had to address it, instead of bottling it up. Anyways, it’s past 12am now. Though I ain’t sleepy, I know my mom’s not gonna be happy to find me in front of a screen at this hour. Cause you know, I am still a fucking kid in her eyes. Past my bedtime…ugh. That’s something I’d like to change next year. Wish I could live as a 20 year old. So yeah, feels good to talk about this finally. Good night, people. I love you guys for reading through my mindless corny talks.”

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