Journal-68 Early morning vents.

Date: 20.01.2020

Day: Thursday

“I just got up, like 10 mins back. My online class starts in 4 mins. Last night, I had set my alarm for 6am, so that I might wake up around 6:30am. And guess what? I snoozed the alarm at 6am, and went back to sleep. Not because I was sleepy, but cause my mind was like, “Oh don’t you think it’s too dark now. Like where’s the sun?” And hearing that, I dozed off till 8:15am. And I did have a weird dream meanwhile. But the first emotion to feel this morning, right after opening my eyes is sadness. Like, pitch black despair. I felt so disappointed in myself. I started tearing up a bit. I’m still in bed though, all wrapped up in my blanket. But I feel this huge sense of disappointment in me. Usually it’s lack of motivation, the first thing in the morning. Today, it’s way worse. Ugh. It’s like why am I even existing, you know? Name one good thing that has happened because of my existence on this plant. Ugh, I just typed plant, instead of planet. What a loser! Why am I beating myself up early morning? And my morning cup of black coffee turned cold. Why am I focusing on the negatives? Someone just flip the switch. I feel discouraged to get my things done. I gotta start prepping up for my presentations next week, which I haven’t started yet. Why? Because I’m a fucking loser. I wanna cry now. I feel pathetic. My mind keeps rolling its eyes and tells me to talk positive shit about life. Like I have plenty of time. With a little bit of focus, I can get the little things done, can’t I? Moreover, my poetry writings have really skyrocketed during my self-isolation. Not just poetry, a lot of stuffs. So, that’s good. Ooh and yesterday, I spent my noon trying a relaxing piece of art. See, I am productive. Not just in academics. I’m slowly turning into an all-rounder. That’s great progress, buddy. I’m doing shit that not even half of my classmates are into. Okay, that does make me feel good. Why aren’t you attending class now-you may ask. Which is why I am gonna head out, finish off  my “iced” coffee and yeah, that’s about it. Trust me, this is really the opposite of how I wanna start off my lovely mornings. Sorry to be a bother. Byee! Love ya!”