” Finally, I find some time in this “busy” schedule to write this down. I’ve been meaning to write this since a few days, but …you know what? Never mind. At least I am here now. Anyway, here’s what I wanted to talk about.
For the past one week, my life’s all been journaling, reciting positive affirmations each morning, updating my dream journal, working out, maintaining my body, focusing on my mental health, less phone, more writings, and more reading. In short, I’ve devoted this week entirely to myself. Not even to my friends, not even to the usual people that I text. And the thing is I don’t even feel bad for them. I am solely focusing on my mental and physical well-being now. I mean is it wrong to practice self-love? Is it not right to cut off things that worsen your mood? Or am I being selfish? Let me paint you a clearer picture. Ever since, you know, online classes have restarted, I haven’t been texting my so-called “boyfriend” a lot. Well, cause I’ve already explained here that I am not into him. There is no connection and I had to leave a guy whom I actually had feelings for to be with this dummy and…wait all that is irrelevant here. What I’m getting into is I ain’t got feelings for him. My life’s a million times better without him. His absence makes my life a literal bliss. I know it sounds mean and quite insensitive of me, but it’s the truth. Now you may ask me why am I still in a relationship with him? Well, that’s for another day. Right now, I don’t feel the way he does for me. So I’ve sort of been ghosting him. He thinks it’s cause of my Covid situation or whatever. I don’t even care what he thinks. And now, he confronted me about it and said that he’s been emotionally unstable because I haven’t been there for him. Like he cannot focus on anything else now, cause I’ve been distancing myself from him. He fucking got emotional. He cried, and sent me a picture of it. And what’s worse than all this? I don’t fucking care about the hellhole he’s going through. Why? Cause this bitch is busy fixated on her positive affirmations and number of calories burned each day. Does this make me a selfish person? Like am I being selfish right now? Am I? Even if I am, I couldn’t care less about it. I know what that poor thing is going through, okay? I can feel his pain, cause I’ve been through the same fucking shit a few months back. Remember, with Mr. AJ? All those days of doubting myself and compulsively overthinking about him and checking for his texts and hyperventilating with heart racing and what not. I was completely shattered and devastated. But then I overcame. I fought through those dreaded days. How? By prioritizing myself over everyone else. So it’s not that I don’t understand this dude’s pain. It’s just that I don’t wanna experience those days again, hence I’m focusing on myself now. It’s me above all. And if you wanna call that “selfish”, go ahead. Yeah, people may not understand this percept of mine, but it’s alright. I can’t justify all my acts to everyone. So let them create their own version of my life. Honestly, it feels amazing right now to talk about it. I feel this whole disconnecting regime going now is really doing me some good. I really do feel good. Great, actually. So even if I have to break some hearts along the journey, it’s worth it. Cause they’ll get over me one day, just like I moved on.
Now there’s another thing that scares me. The thread continues. What if my future partner treats me the way that I treat people now? What if he just shuts me down when I need him the most and says it’s for his “mental well-being”? What if he wants to keep his options open, and have flings with no strings attached with other people? I know I’m overthinking here, anticipating the unknown but we mustn’t forget about karma. What goes around, comes around isn’t it? Also, if I’m trying to embed positivity into my life, is hurting others the right way to do it? I mean should I do it at the expense of other’s happiness and peace of mind? I don’t know. I surely wouldn’t want people to treat me like the way I am treating them now. Sigh. This is all so confusing for me to figure out. Is what I’m doing the right thing? Or should I consider other’s feelings and rethink about my acts? A part of me also says that if what I’m doing feels right, then just fucking do it. Idk man does it feel right?
I just realized this is the longest I’ve written here. Guess I really needed to cleanse off my mind about this. Feels good definitely. And my shoulder’s aching cause of this constant tapping of keys. And it’s 11:16pm and time to head to bed. Before that, I gotta check in with my planner, strike off the things I’ve accomplished today and write in my gratitude journal before I finally call it a day. Yup this is how my life is now, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And also, my dad’s flying back to Bahrain tomorrow around 10am. Yeah I’ll miss being around him but he also mentioned that I could fly there in 2 weeks, maybe. So, fingers crossed, baby. ILY guys. Good night now.”