Journal-77 Listen to yourself!

Date: 12.03.2022

Day: Saturday

“No, I’m not doing okay. Never was. Mom says I’m way cheerful when I go to college on a regular basis. What she doesn’t know is the amount of bitchy drama I deal with there. She ain’t aware of how much I loathe college right now. Tbh I’m way worse than just being “not okay”. I have an on-going aversion towards everything and everyone at the moment. But two things top the “aversion” list. Firstly, my “pain-in-the-ass” friends, and secondly, the fact that I know what’s right for me, but not listening to my own advice. This year has really shown how toxic my friends are for me. They’re way too negative, and manage to bring down my own mood in an instant. Just thinking about the whole gang makes me wanna bury myself in a deep dark hole. Not kidding. That’s how much they affect me. It’s not that they’re being intentional about it. That’s just how they are. Their minds and lifestyle are programmed in that certain way which doesn’t resonate with mine. We’re in completely in different places. In the process of dealing with their on-going conflicts, I might have forgotten about myself, maybe. Maybe not, cause I realized that it was their itty-bitty ego and drama that was affecting me. I don’t do well in a drama-filled situation. It absolutely brings down my entire energy level and my focus. I hate it. I really do. Don’t they realize how much pressure they’re exerting on me? It’s mentally torturing me. Which is why, I am planning to leave that group they made on WA. But I’m pretty double minded about it, cause leaving the group would just create more drama. Can I just delete these people off my life? I’m not kidding when I say that I had plans to murder them few days back. That’s how much dangerously wild it has gotten with me. Anyway, I turned off my internet and also put my phone on silent, because that’s how much I crave a peaceful life. I really don’t wanna go to college next week, or any other week for that matter. College life is depressing. I can barely call it a life. And the people here, I really haven’t figured how to fit in with them. It’s been 3 years, and I still haven’t found at least one person who is remotely like me. I know I’m being all negative now. I should be listing out the things I am grateful for. But right now, I am in a mood to get all this off my mind. Really, more I think about it, more I realize how obnoxiously toxic these people are for me. I’ve listened to multiple podcasts about the same, and they all give out the same advice: cut them out of your life. It’s that simple, yet I fear that it may cause more drama and shit. UGH. Honestly, this is not how I thought my Saturday would go. But anyway, here we are. Moving forward. It’s my overeating compulsion. There’s a thought deep within that maybe these two issues could be complimenting each other. Just a food for thought here. So yeah, it’s been months since I’m struggling with this shit. I am working out regularly and that somehow gives me a green signal to binge eat more, you know. What’s sad is I know exactly what I should be doing to release myself from this. But ugh I can’t take my own advice, why can’t I just listen to me? I know this isn’t right. I know because I’ve been through the worst consequences. I’m putting on weight. I’m lethargic. (Lmao I hope I don’t manifest all this). I’m nearing 52 kg. Can you fucking believe it? Despite working out twice a day, sweating it all out, I am fucking gaining weight. And the reason isn’t a mystery, because again I know what exactly is going wrong here. I consume more calories than I burn. It’s no rocket science. But it’s rocket science to figure out how I can make myself take my own advice.”

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