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Journal-81 Internal battles.

Date: 03.04.2022

Day: Sunday

“Sleep deprived. Over-eating. Constant thoughts on food. And dehydrated. It’s been a week. I’m mentally drained. Emotionally too. Yeah, I know I keep whining on how I am consistently exhausted and unmotivated and shit like that. But this is different. Cause usually these feelings fade away after 2-3 days. Now, it’s more than a week and I am still enduring this shit. If anything, it’s got a way worse now. So bad that it’s evidently reflecting on my physique. Like, my face is so swollen now. I low-key missed my period this month. Overwhelmingly addicted to my phone these days. Cravings but somehow managed to bring em under control. Constantly checking my body out in the mirror. Like ugh I’ve really got a bad body image of myself now. And I know it’s because of these “weight loss” and “binge eating” reels I watch on IG. Sigh. I’m tired. I gotta prepare for my internal exam tomorrow. I gotta prepare for 4th semester exams coming up at the end of this month. I really think if this is how life is gonna go moving forward. Like am I just supposed to memorize stuffs and somehow manage to write em all up in a 3hour exam? Like that’s it? Am I not gonna have a social and open life? Am I never gonna be able to just focus on myself and my writing passion? And lately (yeah it’s gonna get dark here, hang on) I’ve been embracing death. I write shit on how I am longing for death to arrive. And at the same time, I don’t want things to take a permanent end. Like I know it’s too soon cause there’s like a hell load of shit to get done before I end myself, or before life ends me. My mental health has gotten so bad to the point where even my mom and my friends have started noticing the minute changes in me. I no longer am able to hide how depressed and distressed I am now. The mask no longer fits for I have outgrown it. This morning I was too tired to do my yoga, yet somehow I managed to finish today’s session. I did not give up though there were plenty of moments where I thought I wouldn’t be able to continue. But I did not let those negative thoughts get in my way. So that’s good. And a few days ago, on the morning of my interpretation of statute exam, I was fucking dead. Literally dead and lifeless. Unable to focus on the subject as I was nauseous af and extremely sleep deprived. My blood sugar was dropping real low which ended up me adding teaspoons of extra sugar into my black tea. And while I was at it, I was equally concerned about how this sugar was gonna affect my body shape.  Stress was killing me alive and I lacked the energy to fight back. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I didn’t shower that morning. Instead guess what I did? I closed all my books, shut the door and opened the windows. Got into a cross-legged pose, placed my palms on my knees facing up and I closed my eyes. Deep inhalations followed by deeper exhalations. That’s right, I fucking meditated. And boy, trust me when I say that was the most beautiful experience I’ve had in very long while. I felt rejuvenated and relaxed. I forgot about the fact that I had an unprepared exam due that day. I managed to let go of every emotion I was clinging onto. And I realized that moment, the present is the moment that truly exists. We are alive only in the present. Right now. Not in the past, not in the future. Clichéd cheesy shit right? And for a nick of a moment, I felt detached from my body. Not kidding y’all. Like I’ve only heard and read about such enlightening moments. I didn’t think it was so true that it was gonna happen to me as well lol. Well, I experienced detachment from my body. I no longer associated to the body for I was the soul. My body is just a temporary vessel for my soul to exist. It’s not eternal and it doesn’t belong to me. Epiphany moment here: this was my ascending moment to my next level of spirituality. The shit I’m experiencing now is the dark void stage. It’s more like a launching pad to rocket up to the next stage. I’m evolving spiritually. And all this while I assumed spiritualty had left me. I was so wrong. This is exactly what should happen and how it should happen. And this epiphany elevated my mood. Got rid of the suicidal thoughts. Though I’m still struggling with this mood out swings, I know it’s all for the better.

I don’t feel validated. My feelings don’t seem valid any more. People assume this depressive phase is just normal and natural feeling. Like they say they too face this shit. Everyone faces this shit. Bruh, does that mean what I’m going through isn’t valid just because y’all too go through this? Why doesn’t anyone understand my situation? I need help. Like for real. Cause I’ve been battling with this too long on my own. I wish someone could save me from this hell. Please.”

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