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Journal-95 TW: ED. Negative body image on the roll.

Date: 23.12.2022

Day: Friday

” This is gonna get serious here, and it’s something not everyone talks about it. I really gotta put a trigger warning disclaimer here. A problem that holidays bring me which I never had faced as a child: food. Now I know that sounds stupid, cause it’s usually the reason one gets excited about holidays. Sorry honey, that’s not the case for people with eating disorders. Don’t get me wrong, I do love trying out new food as much as the next person. In fact, I don’t think there’s a more intense food maniac than me in this planet (lol I know that was an exaggeration, but you get me). So where’s the issue here? Let me paint you a picture of the scenario here: it’s the festive season. Which means I’m gonna be with my family all through the New Year’s. Gonna go out often and try new restaurants with your relatives, barely able to keep track of my intake. Oh, did I mention that these relatives don’t come empty handed and instead bring you loads and heaps of sugar filled cookies and cakes? My diet plan stumbled long down the road that I don’t even bother to go on a diet now. Then I’m like, “Fuck it. It’s not that every day I get to enjoy these foods with my family.” And I start overindulging, overeating and binging. Everything just attacks from all directions when I’m unarmed. I feel helpless. And hear me out here, going crazy on the goodies isn’t even the worst part; it’s the fucking guilt that follows. I start beating myself when I gained a few pounds. I start blaming myself when I see that my cute pair of jeans doesn’t fit me like they used to. Hips wider, face chubbier and *bam* negative body image captivates me. Oh, and the fun part is that I can’t even workout now cause *surprise* my house is filled with blood related humans, leaving me with zero alone time. So what do I do to compensate my overspill of calories? I fucking restrict. I starve myself. And has this helped me in the past? Clearly not, but this restriction has led to slower metabolism, lower energy and yes, more cravings. Thereby going on a vicious restrict-binge cycle. And I know this is very toxic of me, and I highly don’t recommend this but I make sure to skip at least one meal a day. Either dinner or breakfast, but mostly dinners cause I usually must have stuffed myself the whole evening with all the creamy cakes and shit. I get like excruciating tummy aches and I can’t get myself to go on walks. I even get triggered when I hear the crinkling of a chips packet and I immediately start craving. And I end up constantly checking myself in the mirror, pinching out my flabby parts. I just want to end this torture now! Hearing weight gain comments from family is only worsening the situation. And do you know the worst part of all this: no one knows this is the hell I’m going through. They think I’m at my happiest sunshine point, just eating everything sweet and salty I could lay my hands on. No one here knows I’m a silent victim of this body dysmorphia. And scrolling on social media is also not helping. I see cute pictures of my friends with tiny waist and crop tops, and here’s me: a teddy bear who can’t even control her cravings. I’m done, y’all. I’m so done with all this. I just wanna give up, and just exist. No thoughts, no feelings just inhale and exhale. How do people even manage to stay in shape during the holidays? Like how do they seem to make life look so easy? Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Maybe I haven’t read the instructions on the manual on how to live life as a normal eating human. Sigh, I’m sorry to have dumped this on y’all.  This is so not giving the Christmas cheer. But it’s the reality of many. And this is the whole purpose of venting in my journal.

I love you guys so much for listening to my mindless rambling. It makes me feel heard and seen. Damn, was that too cheesy? Either way, get an amazing Christmas this year, and yeah life’s too fucking short to bother on these itty-bitty superficial things. As long as you get to enjoy this season with your friends and family, that is all that matters. As long as you got that smile on that gorgeous face of yours, you are blessed. So yeah, time for me to get some coffee now and Christmas Greetings in advance to my favourite people out there. Cheers!:) “

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