Journal-102 TW: life’s scary.

Date: 05.10.2022

Day: Wednesday

“I really need to get some things off my chest rn. First of all, depression. All these months, till my mom had arrived here, I was facing an active version of depression. Lemme make it clear. I used to incessantly pour out in class, I used to cry out on my pillow right after getting back home from college, I used to struggle with insomnia and my phone addiction was at its peak. And now, I don’t cry as often as I used to. To be frank, I don’t even remember the last time I broke down. And this gave people around (my mom, in particular) that I have recovered from depression. But, it’s still persisting in me. It’s growing deeper and wilder in me. I feel from an active form of depression, it’s gotten more passive now. I just feel sad, no outburst of tears, no frustration and screaming. I’m edging more towards feeling numb. I just lack energy now to live. I mean, I did have these symptoms before too. But it was coupled with other physical release of emotions like crying. Now, I can’t seem to find tears rolling down. Do I feel like crying? Not really, cause at this point I’m more done with life than just being sad. As mentioned earlier about this getting wilder, idk if I’ve talked about this here, but I was at the brink of taking my life on the day of my exam. Like I was literally craving to meet death at my doorstep, no cap. I was pretty sure that if I had something sharp with me, that would have been the end of me. It’s scary to think about that now, but that morning I lost it. I completely lost it. I could no longer hold it in me that day. Phew, well life can be real scary sometimes.”

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