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Journal-99 TW: unhealed wounds.

Date: 26.09.2022

Day: Monday

“OMG y’all have no clue how much I missed typing out here. Well, I did journal tho on my phone, but idk why writing here on my computer feels more safe and secure. Probably cause I still fear if someone’s gonna snoop into my phone, while not a soul bothers about my laptop. This is absolutely my space, I rule this place. Anyway, tbh I was planning to pop in here once my exams are done. But turns out I couldn’t wait till they got over to just vent out in the open. Apparently something weird happened today, which is the main factor that drove me to finally dust off my laptop and vent here. So yeah, as I got done with my exam today (which btw got over like 1.5 hours back lol), I didn’t get the usual sense of relief. Well, if you think it’s cause I had done poorly, you’re wrong. In fact, I had done way better than anticipated. But every time I finish off an exam, there’s this huge sigh that leaves me. A huge gasp of relief of getting one subject out of my life. But today? I feel numb. Emotionless. I’m not even tensed about my next one. Like I’ve literally got nothing in me. Why tho? Why can’t I feel anything rn? It’s so weird to be emotionless like a piece of rock. Just existing, ebbing with the flow of life. Sigh, am I depressed rn? Oh and speaking of which, there’s this “trend” happening in me every morning of my exam. Guess what? I get highly intense existential crisis with impulsive suicidal tendencies. Not kidding, y’all. I really begin questioning my whole purpose of existence literally few hours before my exam. My thoughts go like, “What is the whole point of memorizing a bunch of stuffs, pressurized to completely scribble the same within a limited time window only to top the university and get depressed? What’s the purpose of blindly memorizing everything only to forget it right after I’m done with the exam? Every day, I rummage through huge ass textbooks, underline and highlight above that, and circle the important ones, just for it to completely vanish from my brain in a few minutes after my exam. Like why are we doing this? Why AM I doing this? Is this how I wanna live the rest of my life? The ONLY reason I study to get on the top rank is to get validation from others. I have this feeling instilled deep in me that (and I know this is rooted down to my parent’s words) if I’m not academically brilliant, then I have no reason to exist. If I’m not scoring great grades, then I don’t deserve even the basic elements of fun. Everything I do revolve around grades since I was what 4? Even the people I hang out with are based on the marks they get, not on their personality or character. Ever since I was small, my parents wanted me to be on the top rung of the ladder. Even if that meant ruining my mental health. Even if that meant getting to the brim of ending my life.”

Wow, opening up about unhealed inner wounds has let me blow off some tears there. And I thought I was being emotionally numb lol. While we’re on this topic, I wanna get some things out of my chest which I’ve never talked about. Or nvm.”


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